Matricide in a Neighborhood of Mothers

Yesterday not far from Park Slope,  at the hands of her 31-year-old son, who stabbed her in the abdomen and the eye. The mother, Margaret Devaney, was declared dead on arrival at Methodist Hospital.

How could this happen in an area known for its happy children and dedicated parents? Well, a tragedy of this kind can strike anywhere. Even in the stroller capital of the world where parents supposedly try harder. 

But what if a child is a "bad egg" with serious mental and emotional issues? What if a child is a violent threat to friends, family and strangers? Reportedly the murderous son, Ryan Devaney, had a history of mental instability, numerous arrests and restraining orders against him.

That's a scary thought and every mother's nightmare. In a neighborhood where parents believe that if they do everything right the kids will be all right, the idea that your child could one day kill is downright unthinkable.

But is a parent always responsible for the sins of the child? Certainly parental abuse both verbal and physical can contribute to future trauma, crime and mental illness.

But this isn't always the case. There are plenty of great parents whose children do bad things. Sadly, even good parenting can't prevent what may be hidden in a child's DNA or the choices that child makes in his lifetime. 

As a Park Slope mother of two, I've been trying to fill in the blanks of this crime so close to home. All day yesterday I wondered what compelled this man to stab his parents? Like most parents, my children have told me that they hate me. My daughter once scrawled on her wall: "I hate mom. I want to kill here." A child's anger towards her parents is a fact of childhood and often an important way that they separate from the parent during adolescence when she is forging her own identity.

But sometimes it is more than that. I wondered how I would deal with a son like Ryan. Was it obvious early on that he was troubled? I'd like to think that I'd get him the psychiatric help that he needed.  I'd like to think that I find a way to divert his violent tendencies with therapy, medication or, if necessary, residency at a halfway house.

"When I heard about the stabbing my heart ached for all the people involved. We'll pour over it of course and see all the missteps in the run up to the tragedy - the things that weren't done or were, but I'm not sure there are lessons to be learned," writes Nancy McDermott, editor of the Park Slope Parents blog. "There are countless books and bits of advice about what to do when a loved one has a mental illness but it's seldom that way in reality. It's a long, hard road that twists and goes back on itself and it's all too easy for things to get out of hand. Sometimes a tragedy is just that and the best we can do is support the people its befallen as best we can in what ever way we can."

It was reported that despite his problems, his mother was adamant about caring for her son. That detail broke my heart and attests to the complex love between mother and child. This woman, of whom I know very little, created an apartment for her 31-year-old son in the basement of the house on Howard Place. Despite his issues, she believed that it was best for him to be close to her.

In the Bugaboo capital of the world, people brag about their children's successes but rarely talk about the darker side of their lives. Some problems are better than others. Children with learning and developmental issues are embraced by the community and, for the most part, helped by local educational and therapeutic programs. Children with emotional problems are less likely to be discussed. More often then not, a child with violent tendencies will be ostracized and the parent silenced by a culture that yearns for perfection in their children.

This morning I saw a picture of the house on Howard Place, a quaint block in Windsor, Terrace Brooklyn, with lovely attached houses and white porches, where Ryan lived with his parents. Years ago I longed to buy a house on one of those cute Windsor Terrace blocks. How perfect, I thought, what a charming place to bring up my children.

Indeed, contrary to the aspirations of good parents everywhere: a nice house, a backyard, a neighborhood with good people who care about the success of their children—none of that can guarantee that the kids will be all right. Even love isn't enough sometimes. But it must always be fervently in place—even when a child seems to deserve anything but. And that's a bracing thought on these days after a matricide.

R.I.P. to Margaret Devaney